I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
