Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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