yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
