the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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