You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I can't put those talents on a resume
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
