fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
