So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
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I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
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Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
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