i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
