I faked an abortion last night.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Randomize
