My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
