No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
