"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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