I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
