We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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