Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
