I faked an abortion last night.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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