im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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