dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
