I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
