Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
