I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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