Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
