i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
