I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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