Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
