found the other keg... it's in the tree
porn star boner night. come get it.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
