a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
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We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
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It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.