you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
21 Distraught People Found Out They Had An STD
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
21 Ladies Reveal The Sexiest Thing A Man Can Do In A Public Setting
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana