Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
