the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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