your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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