I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
