I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
