Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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