i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
