Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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