Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
