Since when is my name a synonym for head?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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