either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
