Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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