please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
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