I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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