I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
