Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
you didnt know i had herpes?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
