I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
