Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
