i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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