in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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