Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
