i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
