cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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