If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
