I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
