lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
