I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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