Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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