My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
