oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
This house was built for laser tag.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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