An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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