he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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