p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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